So I say this... if you know someone who is grieving, don't be afraid to reach out. Let them know you care about them and you're there for them. We all know there's nothing you can say that is going to make things BETTER, but believe me, when someone just avoids you or doesn't acknowledge your loss at all, it hurts like hell. And even if you've experienced grief yourself, try not to say, "I know how you feel." Nobody knows exactly how someone else feels because we all grieve differently. Feel free to share with them your loss and how you felt/feel and how you dealt/deal with it, but never, ever tell someone you know how they feel and never tell someone to get over it. Those are the 2 WORST things you could say.

Allow the person to talk about their lost loved one as much as possible. Don't force them though. When my friend lost her twin boys due to pre-term labor, I wrote her a few e-mails (along with a few phone calls) telling her how sorry I was and how I didn't understand why these things happen. I let her know I was here for her if she needed to talk, or just needed someone to listen or a shoulder. I sent her my web site link to view if/when she felt up to it. I told her I dedicated the new "pregnancy and infant loss support" section to her twins, and then told her to please let me know if that upset her. Of course my intentions were good, but because people deal with it differently, she may not have wanted any reminder of it right then. Maybe later. (She was fine with it and appreciated it, so that was a relief!) And I told her that I wouldn't bug her anymore because she very well may not have felt like talking about it, but if and when she did, I'd be all ears with open arms. I wanted to help her so bad, but unfortunately, if you try to help someone who's not open to help, it's not really helping.

Sandy {\o/}
4/16/04

Stuck for Words: What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
by Doris Zagdanski

How Can I Help?: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
by June Cerza Kolf, Fisher Books

Finding the Right Words: Offering Care and Comfort When You Don't Know What to Say
by Wilfred Bockelman

When Your Friend Is Grieving: Building a Bridge of Love (Heart and Hand Series)
by Paula D'Arcy